Woot...I forget who got me into this song...but well yay!..another good song which I cant find is fear cult- sex beat...ah well...much love peeps ima have to do a real entry another day..ah well..
...yay!..okay i figgured everybody would love this vid. i mean its MSI fuck yeah!...okay sorry..im just trying to be happy. i dunt know whats wrong with me. im sorta out of it. im in love with somebody. and well. i dunno...shes awesum..its just...we already dated and i miss her. i dunno..hell i still have feeling for my first gf...and that was like yrs ago...i mean honestly id love to still be her friend its just she doesn't wanna be my friend. i still have feelings for carolyn to...ah well...i started writing my one friend a short story..this one is based loosely upon my life..i also started writing a short story for somebody else. its about two people falling in love. funny huh. cuz i mean i've never been lucky in love. woot! oh well laterz.
...Woot...I finally found this song..ah well...I dunno wassup with me lately..I've been messed up and well i guess its buggin me..ah well enjoy this song and i'll see ja later.
...i just wanna say..if I don't update..feel free to yell at me..or feel free to look at my myspace..http://www.myspace.com/iamthepenguinmaster okay...now then...enjoy this music video..the anime is one of my fav mangas...much love..sorry for the inconveinance.
...Figgured I'd update with a song. I'm trying to not think suicidal thoughts...but I dunno I've been sorta well depressed... I want to get this cd..I got to preview it..but it sorta wasn't the same as owning it. I'm writing my 4th short story. This one however is dedicated to somebody..not saying who until its done and I give her the first copy ^.^ I was going to try and date guys again, I just dunno. I only like one guy and he has a gf..or so he told me..ah well...I'll update later...
I had a little monkey I sent him to the country and I fed him on gingerbread Along came a choo choo, knocked my monkey coo-coo And now my monkey's dead At least he looks that way, but then again don't we all? (what I make is what I am, I can't be forever) I had a little monkey I sent him to the country and I fed him on gingerbread Along came a choo choo, knocked my monkey coo-coo And now my monkey's dead Poor little monkey "make you...break you...make you...break you...lookout" (what I make is what I am, I can't be forever) We are out own wicked gods With little "g's" and big dicks Sadistic and constantly inflicting a slow demise I sent him to the country and I fed him on gingerbread Along came a choo choo, knocked my monkey coo-coo And now my monkey's dead The primate's scream of consonance is a reflection Of his own mind's dissonance
you know...i hate people. i hate life. i hate my existence. One fine day it's going to end just like that. In a snap. With one shot, echoing through the halls of eternity. Makes a pretty picture right?
Fuck it. Bye.
current mood: indescribable current music: Marilyn Manson-My Monkey
Well, let me see. I'm going home for thanksgiving. Then on Saturday I'm going to Robinson mall or The mall at Robinson *grins* I get to catch a lot of buses and ride the T alone woo! then I get to hang out with whoever I know or ask that shows up at the mall for about 3 hours if I time it right. woot. go me. oh well my throat hurts. I think I have a sore throat. I also need to buzz my hair again it's getting to long.ah well just wanted to do a lil update lates.
Much Lurve, the amazing Muddy
current mood: content current music: Ian hitting himself over the head and cursing me out
I've been asking myself questions over and over, why? because I've been thinking to much which as I've said before is never good for anybody. I realized when I was thinking that I could handle living on my own. All I gotta do is drone out Mikeal,Ian and Chance mainly Mikeal and hes abusive to and get some self-respect and self-esteem,uhm what else oh yeah find out whats wrong with my circulation, get a decent job, ect ect. I think I can handle that. My goody gram is doin' okay so she says. Thats my dads mom. I just think shes not trying to worry me though, but anyway her kidney aint working and see she only has one kidney because she had kidney cancer in the other one last year so yeah. I'm so worried about her. My dad is doin' alright he could be better, he has some really bad back problems but he is moving hopefully into an apt. with my brother.So worried about my dad tho I mean oh well it's complicated. I had a flashback during school it was so not cool. This one girl bumped me and got me outta it. That was yesterday, when all I could think of was how much I hated myself. I didn't know why but I did. Ah well, I'm worried about that girl that bumped me though, I think I worry to much darn me. I can't cuss because that is a bad thing to do and I am really working on me personally not swearing, still listen to music that swears and all but well ya know. Trying to change myself, trying to be a better person, WHOO! oh well, heres a bloody song. Enjoy and remember. If it bleeds you can kill it.
Henry Rollins Band-Liar
you think you're going to live your life alone in darkness and seclusion... yeah, I know you've been out there and tried to mix with those animals and it just left you full of humiliated confusion so you stagger back home and wait for nothing but the solitary refinement of your room spits you back onto the streets and now you're desperate and in need of human contact and then you meet me and yur whole world changes because everything I say is everything you've ever wanted to hear so you drop all you defenses, I'm perfect in every way 'cause I make you feel so strong and so powerfull inside you feel so lucky but your ego obscures reality that you never bothered to wonder why things are going so well you want to know why?
'cause I'm a liar, yeah, I'm a liar I'll tear (rip) your mind up, I'll burn your soul I'll turn you into me, I'll turn you into me 'cause I'm a liar, a liar, a liar, a liar...
I'll hide behind a smile and understanding eyes and I'll tell you things that you already know so you can say: I really identify with you, so much and all the time that you're needing me is just the time that I'm bleeding you, don't you get it yet? I'll come to you like an affliction then I'll leave you like an addiction you'll never forget me... wou wanna know why?
I don't know why I feel the need to lie and cause you so much pain maybe it's something inside, maybe it's something I can't explain 'cause all I do is mess you up and lie to you I'm a liar, ooh, I'm a liar but if you'll give me another chance I swear I'll never lie to you again 'cause now I see the destructive power of a lie, they're stronger than truth I ca't believe I ever hurt you, I swear I will never lie to you again please, just give me more chance, I'll never lie to you again, no, I swear, I will never tell a lie, I will neer tell a lie, no, no Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha! Sucker! Sucker! Sucker!
I am a liar, yeah, I am a liar, yeah, I am a liar I lie you, I feel good, I am a liar, yeah I lie X4 ooh, I lie, yeah, I lie I'm a liar, I lie, I like it, I feel good, I like it, and again I like it again and I'll keep lying, I'll promise
*waits for someone to say it describes me* people on the internet really boost my self-essteem(hint the sarcasm) but its a good song by a good band and I'm out see ya and No I do not have any egg rolls.
Much Lurve, Meggz
current mood: calm current music: Mikeal saying dirty things Ian humming and Chance dancing
heh..i changed my mind i'm taking my own advice and not breaking up with emily(go me)but anywayz. shes in jail.(she answered my call last night i was so suprised)she got a DUI i think thats it. i really do know how to pick a winner,not referring to picking your nose. went to the south hills village mall friday.its alright there. today i wore colours woo. i wore a white shirt then a pink dres shirt then a rainbow tie then tan pants and my black vans woo! went to kennywood on saturday it sucked major ass. read my manga all the way there and back now im reading pet shop of horrors#1 before i was reading Confidential Confessions#1 both books are awesome.get to go see my gram this weekende cant wait! wooo! still feelin kinda sad. need to talk to somebody about it funny thing is nobody listens! urgh i hate myself. oh well love ya.
Much lurve, Meggz.
current mood: uncomfortable current music: Scum Of The Earth-Murder Song
I was thinking, which i really shouldn't do because i get really sad and depressed when i think. What do i belive in? I came to the conclusion that i believe in barely anything anymore. I belive in love,i just never get to keep the love i have.I belive i'm going to die alone and miserable, which i already am.To be truthful i don't even believe in the truth because nobody even tells it anymore. I'm sad. I want to leave. Who drives and wants to pick up a lesbian turning bisexual from pennsyvania? I found out i'm going to be an Aunt. Aunt Megan, eeeep i feel all old. Shannon,my brothers gf whose gunna have his baby, told me that i could do better than carolyn and that she always thought something was wrong with her. Funny thing is,i don't think i'll ever do better then carolyn.ah well.mikeal just hit me for that. speaking on relationships i wanna leave emily.shes never there when i need to talk and besides i'm sick of hearing about drug problems i don't blame it on her because oh frick it. i don't know how i feel anymore. i think i'm gonna put up a barrier between me and people. oh i mention my friend Melinda goes to CCAC for part of the schoolday. funny huh. i might even go there for summer courses so i can graduate in 2007 not 2008. because i am supposed to graduate in 07 but i got held back so its 08 now. oh well heres a song enjoy. oh and don't forget to try the sushi on your way out.
Dope-Sing "Sing"
Some people sing for life some people sing for death Some people sing to sing the songs that they like best Some people sing for broke some people sing for fame Some people sing for hope some people sing for pain
So when you feel like this and really wish That everyone else would just go away When you feel like this and really wish That everyone else would just go away
Free your mind and
Sing for the man on the corner Sing for your love of God Sing for your apathy No matter, no matter what you believe Sing just a little bit louder Sing with all you got Sing along with me No matter, not matter what you believe
Some people sing for love some people sing for hate Some people sing to sing a song cause they relate Some people sing inside some people sing in vain Some people sing to lose some people sing to gain
Open your mind and
Some people sing for life some people sing for death Some people sing to sing the songs that they like best Some people sing for hope some people sing for pain
So let me hear you people sing
there was this other dope song i was looking for but oh well i like this one to. *twitches*..i wonder if i really am a "stupid sadistic abusic fucking whore" i don't think so, at least not anymore.oh well you can't change the past. you wish you can but ya can't.
Much lurve, Meggz.
current mood: contemplative current music: Scum Of THe Earth-Get Your Dead On
i think i'm paranoid. or getting there.i swear emily never answers the phone if its me or if she does she don't talk long. maybe i shouldn't be in any relationships. maybe i should be dead. i feel no worth right now. i got all my hair chopped off. i'd take a pikchore but whats the use id break the bloody camera. i look like a guy even more then i did. all i need to do is get rid of size dd's. i'm so messed up tho. my emotions are blah. i'm acting happier though. what else can i do i am a manequin. Its what we do. I'm reading dantes inferno. who is gonna say thats whwere your gunna go to one of the layers. yeah good. i don't know what i am. i'm undecided. i'm depressed. i'm going to my grandmas saturday. can't wait. maybe i'll be happi. i've been listening to snoop dogg alot yay! i fink oh well lates people. mikeal wants me to go. Chance Ian and Mikeal are all i have left. and i love them to death. just like i love all my friends and enemies *smirks* i mean everyone by that.
Much lurve everyone, Meggz
current mood: depressed current music: Mikeals whisper reading dantes inferno to me
hrmm did i really call myself a witch no i said i was into it. urgh. honestly besides that was before i even picked up a friggen book on the subject ah well. sorry to make yuns look bad never meant to. was an atheist at the time. MY BAD! yeesh. *takes a minute calms down* moving on. ima move up on level three soon at the group home. i think thats good. my visit to see my gram is postponed sorta sad but were both sick and i dont want to make her worse. and some people think i only care about me hah! i miss my emily so much. thinking when i get a job to save my money and run away,well heck i always have that thought.i'm trying to study mythology i'm starting with the eastern deities. i've really been losing it lately. i don't know whats wrong with me. i haven't seen mike in ages and alexa left me. oh my gosh mikeal is back to being bad he was good for awhile now hes all mean again. mikeal ish my minion only i can see him people call him a hllucination but their wrong oh are they wrong ah well heres a song night night.
The White Stripes-My Doorbell
I'm thinkin' about my doorbell When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it Yeah, I'm thinkin' about my doorbell When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it Yeah, I'm thinkin' about my doorbell When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it yeah, I been thinkin' about my doorbell
Oh, well
Well women and children need kisses Not the man in my life I know And I been going to mystery misses I respect the art of the show Take back whan you said little girl And while you're at it take yourself back too Woman whatcha gonna do now, whatcha gonna do about it
I'm thinkin' about my doorbell When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it Yeah, I'm thinkin' about my doorbell When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it oh I'm thinkin' about my doorbell When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it Yeah, I been thinkin' about my doorbell
Oh, yeah
You don't seem to come around Point your finger and make a sound You don't seem to come around Not since I said you knocked it down?
Oh, well
Make a sound and I'll make you feel right Right at home, yeah Yeah, right at home, yeah
Nobody got me waitin' in pain But how come it's so easy to you You don't strike me as the type to be careless But your words seem so obtuse But then again I know you feel guilty And you tell me you want me again But I don't need any of your pity I got plenty of my own friends They're all above me
And I've been thinkin' about my doorbell When they gonna ring it, when they gonna ring it Yeah, I've been thinkin' about the doorbell When they gonna ring it, when they gonna ring it oh I've been thinkin' about the doorbell When they gonna ring it, when they gonna ring it Yeah, I been thinkin' about the doorbell
Oh, well
They don't seem to come around Push the finger and make a sound They don't seem to come around Maybe they they'll knock 'em down
Oh, well
Make a sound and I'll make you feel right Right at home Right at home
I'm thinkin' about my doorbell When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it I'm thinkin' about my doorbell When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it Yeah, I'm thinkin' about my doorbell When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it Yeah, I been thinkin' about my doorbell And when you're gonna ring it, when you're gonna ring it
I'm thinkin' about my doorbell When ya gonna ring it, when ya gonna ring it Yeah, I'm thinkin' about my doorbell
Oh, oh well
oh and be sure to let the door hit you on the way out you dirty penguin.
Much Lurve, Meggz.
current mood: stressed current music: mikeals voice right beside me
i think i'm sad and miserable. i figgured out how to graduate in the year i'm supposed to if i can take a summer class or sumtin or maybe even evening classes to get enuff crdits i can graduate in the year 2007 which ish when i'm supposed to. ^.^ i really suck at volleyball i'm trying oh well. oh yah i'm losing weight. i lost 14 pounds. yip! yip! i think i'm getting into anime 0.o not cool. i'm at school. i have court coming up ehh.. i hate to think what the judge ish going to say about my choking myself with my headphone wire. i got creative X.X i miss my old life. oh well. school is going good. its hard to get the work done tho. oh yeah on october 8th i get to see my gram. yay!! aint that awesum possom! oh well i gotta go change for volleyball lates. oh and don't forget to try the chicken ess deelisicous!!
I just got another consequence for threatening to hit some bitch for being fucking ignorant and rude to me. I swear ever since the break up(only time i'll mention eet) things have been going badly. I guess i so totally deserve it. but damn I CAN'T HANDLE IT! oh yeah I'm getting a new ICM so that blows. I think i hit a major bi-polar stage in my life,which I am diagnosed with my diagnosias has been added to and changed so many times that just now I found out what it is. Alas, I shalt share it with the world it's mine and I've been on edge aboot things lately. Oh yeah. I'm joining Volleyball this year. Rawr. My fat ass participating in an extra activity and showing school spirit hurray! Did i mention i dyed my hair and got it cut? I have the poorest memory you'll ever see ah well. I keep flipping out and having these flashbacks of my dad throwing things at me. Like last year we was at the store at christmas time and he threw a carton of eggnog at me because of something i said. I love my dad and I'm trying everything I can to see him. I get to see my gram soon we're going to walk over to Mcdoonalds and maybe other stores depending on if its nice.I SHALL AVOID CASH MARKET FOREVER THANK YOU VERY MUCH, and I feel bad and sad for my grandmother for having to shop at a there. Joking. I should've been nicer.REALLY. but if she felt trapped by my uhm wickedness and meaness then we weren't meant to be. I got my ring i proposed to her with back. when i saw that my heart shattered, but i think Emily shall do a fine and dandy (i said dandy) job at making things okay,hell I think I may even be a better person *snickers and walks away* i'm done folks heres some lyrics enjoy your stay thanks and come again and no we don't have egg rolls.
System of a Down-Cigaro
My cock is much bigger than yours, My cock can walk right through the door With a feeling so pure.. It's got you screaming back for more.
Cool, in denial We're the cruel regulators smoking CIGARO CIGARO CIGAR Cool, in denial We're the cruel regulators smoking CIGARO CIGARO CIGAR
My shit stinks much better than yours, My shit stinks right down through the floor. With a feeling so pure, It's got you coming back for more.
Cool, in denial We're the cruel regulators smoking CIGARO CIGARO CIGAR Cool, in denial We're the cruel regulators smoking CIGARO CIGARO CIGAR Cool, in denial We're the cruel regulators smoking CIGARO CIGARO CIGAR Cool, in denial We're the cruel regulators smoking CIGARO CIGARO CIGAR
Can't you see that I love my cock? Can't you see that you love my cock? Can't you see that we love my cock?
We're the regulators that de-regulate We're the animators that de-animate We're the propagators of all genocide Burning through the world's resources, then we turn and hide
Cool, in denial We're the cruel regulators smoking CIGARO CIGARO CIGAR Cool, in denial We're the cruel regulators smoking CIGARO CIGARO CIGAR
We're the regulators that de-regulate We're the animators that de-animate
Cool, in denial We're the cruel regulators smoking CIGARO CIGARO CIGAR Cool, in denial We're the cruel regulators smoking CIGARO CIGARO CIGAR
My cock is much bigger than yours, My cock can walk right through the door With a feeling so pure.. It's got you screaming back for more!
current mood: satisfied current music: some My chemical romance
hrmm aight n uthin much goin' on. I called my beloved Emily on Saturday even though I shouldn't have. I hate this level system you work up then you just get consequenced. Ah well. I have very little patience lately expecially when i'm working with myself. I haven't written in my book in a good while or written any new poetry in at least a week. I wrote a letter to my friend Jess, just gotta mail it. Oh yah. my hair is cut really short now and its dyed all black. I'm now into the New-Age Religion of Wicca so happy I'm finding inner peace with myself. In maybe a rounded off two month period I can see my Grandma for a day visit so psyched aboot that. My dad might be there to with my brother and his gf more then likely. I really miss my family i feel so cut off from them. Ah well.
I start school this Thursday which ish in two days from now. I'm kinda happy. It shall get my mind off of things. Good news my so called Sanity is back I haven't heard a voice in a good week maybe well okay a couple of days but still thats a record. Well I shall end this hear because i'm leaving this library now so lates for now.
Remaining Mine, Meggz.
current mood: calm current music: some lil kid humming
well,I'm actually rather excited. Carolyn dumped me on 7-30 then I called my good friend Emily and asked her out so I'm happy about that. I'm also happy that Carolyn and I are over It was hard for me to be myself and I had to fake someonelse not cool. So I'm going back to my comfortable lovable self. The only thing I'm not happy about is I'm trying to get my stuff back and she won't let me. I thought that was always in a break up getting your own shit off the ex. Well, I do want my stuff she probably threw it away and some of it was non replacable to me.
I talked to my Grandma my goodie gram. oh how much i love her. she is getting along better still and my dad was there hes doing terrible. he might either quit or get fired from his job not good for my father. he has severe back pains and might need an operation. I wish him well.
I'm back to writing poetry oh yeah! go Meggz!I found this website or rather was told about it its pretty cool. I don't get enough time to look at it but i post. www.creative-poetry.com and look for poetry by PlastikManequin i only have 4 poems on there so far but oh well.
I start school on sept. 1st and i get to go to the same school i went last yr. which ish good for me cuz i liked it there and actually did well for the dumb ass that i am. oh and i finally figured out that i'm a submissive! go me!
okies i'm done for now i'm going to get a book. i'm at the library.
Much lurve, Meggz.
current mood: cheerful current music: the voices surronding me. their real people to
I go to see my therapist today yay!? he didn't cancel his appt ^.^i wrote a poem last night. i figgured out that i write poetry best when i'm in a corner.
Decaying and Rusting On this broken blade Sharred glass litters the ground Constantly in my way
Splinter of mine You are so divine You stick to me Even prick to me
Never leaving this path I'll follow you to the grave Thorn of mine you shall always be in me
My lovely lily My beutiful rose Mydeceased lily My blackened rose
To the grave we follow Side by side step in step We are each others followers You are my baby and we're together forever
i like it and like always its about carolyn. nothing new is happening. one half day of school left woot. i might get to go out on saturday but then again i might not. we'll wait and see. I still feel false and like a mannequin. i wonder right now who is moving me.
Forever hers, Megan Ward
current mood: pessimistic current music: Otep-Suicide Trees
well,schools going to be out in like a day and a half. yippie? i was supposed to see my psychiatrist today. He cancelled the appt. I was going to tell him about me hearing voices and stuff. well to a minimum anyway.I still go to see my therapist once a week or every week. i see him tomarrow. I'm rather bored with myself. I'm still upset with myself and carolyns still upset with me. My friend said we should call it even. we won't because its not even. I love her soi much,i just want to work through this because i hope that we will still be together forever. Althoug it hurts me to look into her eyes, that pain is just so strong. I love her though. She is my baby.
To You...
Clamouring up the stairs Missing your lovely stare Forever in debt to you I owe my life to you
Staring into your lovely eyes I see my future materailize Forever in debt to you I owe my life to you
Evening stares upon our flesh Our bodies close together and our faces flush Forever in debt to you I owe my life to you
For one last fleeting day we dance Hands in hands lips to lips we shall never part Forever in debt to you I owe my life to you
Darkness is the key we need For when one of us has to leave we plead Forever in debt to you I owe my life to you
Neck to neck we dance some more The night falls we step into the centre of the floor Forever in debt to you I owe my life to you
I love you Carolyn and you will always be mine,i hope anyways.What i did was stupid and i just realized i don't think you'll ever fully forgive me no matter what you say. Which hurts because you've forgiven other people who have hurt you so much that they made you not believe in love. I gave you that feeling back,and you'll never forgive me for it. I don't understand. I love you so much baby,just know that and maybe the thought of never getting your forgivness will vanish.
Forever Hers, Megan Ward
oh yeah i forgot to mention. i feel fake again. i feel like i'm not true anymore. It's to hard to explain at least i think it's to hard to explain anyway.
current mood: indifferent current music: Otep-Buried Alive
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plastikmanequin's journal
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